so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
