I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
