My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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