she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I think my nap took me to another dimension
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
