the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
