Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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