It's Friday. Sex?
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
