I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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