you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
