Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
