I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
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So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
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May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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