Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
