I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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