i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
