Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
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They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
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Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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