$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
