I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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