That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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