you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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