Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
