a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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