it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
