Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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