Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
