I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Success! We fucked roommates!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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