He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize