A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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