She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
MIDGETS
????
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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