mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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