He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
