I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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