Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
