We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
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it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
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So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Oh and itโs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ๐๐๐๐ฌ๐ณ๐
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