pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
