dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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