That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
