'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
