Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
