Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
