I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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