I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
