Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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