the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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