u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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