Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
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WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
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I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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