I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
