yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
