she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
