i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize