those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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