Only a mothe r could love this liver
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
