if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
