Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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