Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
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So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
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And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
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