you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
