I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
