guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
